ONE POTATO, TWO POTATOES, SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!

One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes...SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!!

ARE YOU EVER STRESSED OUT?

If so try this stress relieving dish. It is also good exercise for flabby

arms AND it's comfort food which means it will stick to all the wrong

places...like your toes or your nose...but who gives a HOOT !!!

O-B-V-I-O-U-S-L-Y...you need potatoes, and they MUST, they

MUST be baby red potataoes....BECAUSE I SAY SO !! Sorry, I am

a bit stressed out today...Just do like me...O.K. Clean, don't peel

2 1/2 lbs of these.

Now...put them in a pot and cover them ever so gently with water.

BLAH !! Who cares right? Just cover them. Then get your spices,

15 or so black pepper corns, salt, 2 or 3 bay leaf, 5 or 6 garlic

cloves and olive oil...

Now, add the spices to the pot... pour some olive oil, bring to a boil,

then lover heat, excuse me, LOWER heat ...until they are tender.

OK, now put the potatoes in a smaller dish than you really need, just

like me...so you can burst out loud about how messy the counter

is getting. Now the best part is, hurry go get your "smasher", and

LIFT YOUR HAND WAY UP HIGH!! (Higher please!!). Then bring it

down with all your might... UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN,

UP and DOWN!!!

SMASH...SMASH...SMASH...

MADLY...MADLY...MADLY...

HA, HA, HA!!

OH, the JOY !!!

Bring out butter, milk and some salt...add to the smashed potatoes.

By now you will be so relaxed from that work out that if you spill some

milk on the counter!You won't even mind.... Just like me!

Blend in....you don't want creamy potatoes !!! These potatoes are like life

itself...they have bumps!

Breath in....exhale slowly...Feeling better right? See? Just like me!!

And there you have them delicious SMASHED potatoes! Set anywhere

you want until ready to heat in the microwave !!

*And just because I feel so relax and happy now... (Don't get used to

this) I will share with you another way to prepare these potatoes. Make a

double batch. Add cheese to half of it, bacon or ham... or both ...OR

just rosemary, put in the fridge and a couple of days later when you take

it out...cover with Parmesan cheese and bake it in the oven until golden

brown, for another non-stressful dinner.

ASSAULT AND BATTERY PORK MAFIA STYLE

ASSAULT AND BATTERY PORK. MAFIA STYLE....

This is the perfect dish for when things are not going

the way you wished. Today, I have many reasons for preparing

it. If you have not slept enough lately, or had a flat tire when you

were driving home ....or are just upset for not being able to afford

pork tenderloins or rib eyes.. this pork recipe is IT....make sure you

have "ugly pork chops" in the fridge at all times, if you are going

through a difficult time in your life....

THE ASSAULT PART:

First open the fridge and YELL at the pork chops, "YOU ARE

REALLY GONNA GET IT NOW !" Then reach for them...GRAB

them and THROW them on the cutting board !!! YEAH !!!

If there are any bones remove them ...please. So they look like these....

Now ...we need to flatten these suckers....so go look for

something to doit with...I don't have a meat cleaver....but that

does not stop ME....

HMMMMMMM.....not wide enough.........NEXT !!!

My husband's martial arts weapon....MAYBE......but I am

scared of whacking myself in the face....

AHAAA !!! A plantain smasher and a knife sharpener!!!

I never use the knife sharpener anyways.... OK...Now, I wrapped foil

around the plantain smasher and I ready to proceed with...

THE BATTERY PART:

As you flatten it... think....car payment....text message from your

boyfriend breaking up with you, termite inspection fee, the police

stopped you for having an expired tag, electric bill too high ....

Hit up and down until it is really thin......This is a real workout!!!

WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK...

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?....

WHACK, WHACK, WHACK,WHACK ...ARE YOUR BAD FEELINGS

GOING AWAY ??? NOW ...TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND EXHALE S-L-O-W-LY....

NICE AND THIN.......BUT WHISPER...."I ain't done with you yet!"

Dump it on bread crumbs.....both sides....then....surprise it

with a dip in .....the "Yellow River".

Then, take it out again and let it eat more bread crumbs....

slap it and turn it on the other side...

When it has had enough....it looks like this...."capiche?"

JOHNNY....THIS IS LOOKING GOOD.....BUT, YOU AIN'T

FINISHED....THERE'S MORE !!!!

FRYYYYYYYYY....FRYYYYYYYYYY....FRYYYYYYYY...THEM

UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN!!!!!!

Now it's ready....take it out and serve with "CRY ME A RIVER PISTO

AND SMASHED POTATOES".

PSSSSSSSSSSSST....

NOW IT'S TIME TO MAKE IT DISAPPEAR !!!!!!!

SHHHHHHHHHH !!!!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD SALAD.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD SALAD.

Dedicated with love to my sister, Maribel, who taught me how to

make this dish in Madrid, 25 years ago...and I still love it!!!

It was Thursday, my day off, and I was heading to the supermarket to buy

some very needed groceries. It was one of those weeks...I was down to some

milk, ham, mayonnaise ....wilted lettuce...an empty juice bottle...ugh... a couple

of tuppers filled with who knows what from who knows when...two onions and a

bag of frozen Ciabatta rolls.

Ready to open door, I reached for my keys in the drawer of the foyer's table...

But, they were not there! I shouted, "OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...where are

my keys?", then searched frantically in my purse....I searched the house,

high and low.

NOTHING!!!

Well, I was trapped with nothing to eat in my own house. Maybe I can call Sandra

and ask her to bring lunch. I dialed her number, and as she said hello, it went

dead..."OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...I can't believe this!!!". Let me tell you,

I looked for my cell phone's charger high and low, and as my nerves got worse

I noticed I was hyperventilating...OOPS, I needed one of these:

But I didn't find one.... maybe an Ingles' plastic bag will do, I thought as I

looked under the kitchen sink....but it was like this:

I was doomed...suddenly, I had an idea. A good cook can always make

something of nothing and so I decided to forget I was temporarily stranded in

my own house and took the ham out of the fridge...

There was about 3/4 lbs. As I sliced it ...I thought about those keys again...

afterward I put it back in the cold, and went for the onions!

I sliced them into very thin rings, cried like a fool and said, "OH, FOR CRYING OUT

LOUD...why are spanish onions so mean to me!"

I added 1 cup of water, salt and covered them with plastic wrap then

microwaved for 15 minutes on high until they wilted and became translucent.

I strained them and added half a cup of the liquid.

While still warm, I added the ham, the Hellman's Mayonnaise and gave

it a twirl to mix well.

OOOPS, the mayo became very liquid...but , I figured the cold would

fix it. What do I have to loose?

MY KEYS???

Into the refrigerator it went. And... as I suspected, the cold made the mayonnaise

really creamy and yummy! Next I toasted some ciabatta bread and VOILA!!!

Lunch was served!!!

Once I finished wiping clean my plate with a piece of bread, I felt much better!

Then, it came to me....did I look in Alonso's cart? The one filled with a million

Hot Wheels? I dashed to his room and turned the cart upside down and said,

"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD ...there they are!!".

THAT LITTLE RASCAL....

he took MY keys for HIS cars!!!

PITTY PARTY CABBAGE

PITTY PARTY CABBAGE.

Cabbage for dinner?

Yes, cabbage. There was a head of cabbage in the fridge, some onions and

Polish sausage. I don't feel like cooking. I am sure you don't either. I am

depressed. You probably are too. So, I made up this dish, perfect for when WE are

moping around the house and don't want to cook for hours....

Who do you think I am.....Julia Childs ?

*************************

Are you depressed? You had a pitty party and now you are short on time to

make dinner? Try this dish. Fast, economical and looks like it took a long time to

prepare.

Cabbage...

How much cabbage? I DON'T KNOW!!! 1small... or 1/2 a large one, I guess.

Onions.....

Whatever you have left after that "tortilla de patata" you made the other

night. 2 would be good...I guess, or maybe 1 large. I am tired,long day.

Don't ask too many questions !!

Sausage.......

ANY KIND... I used Polish ...you can use hot dogs for all I care ...oil ...salt...

some white wine.

Oh, forgot a couple of garlic... don't worry ...don't peel or nothing just let leave

them there to brown then throw away !!!! Don't they look sad ?

SO lonely in the pan.....makes me want to cry !!

Now throw in the onions....LIKE YOU HATE THEM !!

When they are brown from ignoring them...throw in the disgusting

sausage....... they taste good...but they are NOT pretty....

After stirring everything like there is no tomorrow...add the cabbage...

How should cut it ? LIKE IN THE PHOTO !!!

STIR...STIR... Share that white wine you are sipping while cooking...don't

worry the heat will kill the germs....WHO'S GONNA KNOW ? PEOPLE EAT

ALL THE TIME OUT...DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY DO WITH

YOUR FOOD? NO.

Let it all blend.....one sigh....two sighs....three sighs..... Cry ...

it's that easy !!!

Now comes the best part.... FROZEN WAFFLE POTATOES !!!

IS YOUR MORTGAGE DUE ?

RIP THAT BAG OPEN WITH YOUR MOUTH...then fry some....

Get that cheap Walmart mustard out of the fridge... no one know the

difference....

Put it together like this...add a little color with diced tomatoes, sprinkled with

oregano, cumin, salt, oil and vinegar...See the mustard? Can anyone tell it's

Walmart brand ? NO! Now tell your husband you are stressed over those

potatoes ...the little holes took forever to carve!! Then do something

for YOU. Run to the gym ...go to the movies... or read a good book and ...

GET SOME THERAPY !!!

THE TWO PIZZA PIE VISIT.

Dedicated with love to: CHRIS & BETH

Over the phone my son, Chris, and I tried figuring out what day we could

spend some "family time" together..... It took 5 weeks, for an "opening"

in our schedules!

During these past five weeks not only have I been missing my husband, I have been

missing Chris, Beth, and my grand-dog Berkus . They live in Atlanta, in a very

nice area close to Perimeter Mall. It's only a forty five minute drive , that is, if

I- 85 and 285 are not collapsed with rush hour traffic, road work, or accidents.

The distance between us is not great, yet we don't get to see each other very

often. Only once or twice a month. Why? They juggle jobs and school. I

juggle....blah, too many things! But, thank God, there is a day when our daily

life's routine permits us to make room for a "quality time visit" to enjoy each

other's company.

I had seen them last, the night before Pepe's trip. Which means, of course, over

a month. Chris was at the end of his college semester...and that meant all his free

time is dedicated to studying. Therefore, we waited for his two week break to make

plans. Finally, we set aside Wednesday the 31st. That was only 2 days away! After

talking with Chris, I wondered ...that day I had to work...hmmmm, dinner would

have to be cooked either the day before, or it would have to be something fast!

I love cooking for them. This time ...I'd rather not. To be in the kitchen, would

take time away from conversing with them, and I really didn't want that to

happen. Still, I would probably end up cooking as always, and just in case I

mentally reviewed their favorite dishes to see which I could prepare.

Chris and Beth love my "frituritas de maiz" or corn fritters. That could be a good

choice...I only needed...

1 (8oz) can cream style sweet corn...

1 tsp baking powder

two eggs....

about 1/2 a cup flour

1 tbs. sugar and a couple pinches of salt. Hot oil for frying...

I imagined a drop of batter to test the oil...

then the first spoonful ...

WOOOOOOOOOO!!! I could see them frying and the aroma!

I just love them....!!!!!!!!!!

the batter puffs up and turns golden brown...

I could see myself savoring one! I can't resist them..... I always have the first one out

of the pan! OK, but what should I make with it? A pork roast would have to be cooked

the day before. No, better not. A roasted chicken with my mom's "adobo" would be

delicious, but I didn't want to have them waiting on dinner...they can't leave too late! How

about some pasta? No...they had that last time. Paella? no...too many ingredients.

Lentils? Lentils and what else? Oh, cream of carrots and butternut squash...Chris

loved it when he was a kid! Or maybe pork chops, rice and yuca with "mojo"...

but Chris likes black beans withit, and I like to add plantains!....Forget it,

that would mean too much time in the kitchen! But...but...but...maybe I can just

go with thin "filetes" and home fries. Nothing in this world like potatoes fried in

good olive oil...the sprinkled with salt, and I could make an avocado salad to go with it.

That sounded good...Chris would love the fries. Beth would love the avocado salad.

I only needed.........

Red firm tomatoes, ripe avocados, onion and a lemon...

How I would cut the avocado? It didn't matter ...slices or chunks...

I saw myself squeezing lemon juice over it ...

then slicing the onion...

and adding the tomatoes ...

I then wondered if I had the ingredients for the dressing. I went to the kitchen

and looked in the cabinets. Great, I did! I only needed 2/3 cups of olive oil, and

1/3 cup of red wine vinegar...1tsp sugar ...a couple of pinches of pepper

and... about 1/4 tsp salt.

The steaks...I could stop in "La Potosina" on the way home. After all, thin steaks

are so fast to pan-fry and all I had to do was add some mashed garlic, oregano,

salt and pepper.

Yeap...One minute on one side ...turn ...another minute ...DONE!

I liked that idea.

and my favorite part is making the "salsa" at the end by adding some water,

bringing it to a boil and condensing it. Ay, que rico!!!

I imagined Christopher's plate..

I imagined Beth's plate...

Yes, I think I will stick to this plan. Sound good and they will enjoy it!

Wednesday came around. I was at work dying to leave early so I could start

with dinner. The phone rang. It was Chris!

-"Hey mom! What's the plan for dinner?" He asked in a good mood.

-"Ahhhhh....I thought something simple, filetes con patatas... why?..."

-"Just thinking, would you like me to bring pizza? You always cook...

let's just relax."

-"Oh, you don't have to...I can make something". I just didn't want him

spending money...but it sounded great!

-"No, you know ...I'm on my way to your house, and close to a restaurant

that a friend of a friend owns. Caprese,...it's called Caprese, right over

by Hamilton Mill, and thought I could bring two pizza pies over!"

I said to myself, pizza pies....he said pizza pies! I don't know why

that sounded so funny to me! What I did know ...is that it meant:

"YOU -OUT- OF- THE -KITCHEN".

-"Oh, yeah! I know the place! It's really good. You know Chris ...I WOULD

LOVE TO HAVE PIZZA!"'

-"Outstanding, I will bring a couple of pizza pies and we can chill".

-"Chris did you bring Berkus?"

-"Yes, of course".

I smiled...we all love Berkus...and he loves Alonso so much!

-"Great, I wanted to see him! I'll see you guys around 5 Ok...bye!

I got a customer!"

After taking care of the customer I decided to clock out a little early, and

dash to the produce section for a bag of spinach and some tomatoes. I would

make a simple salad of spinach, tomatoes and onions drizzled with my

vinaigrette dressing! Pizza and salad.... THAT WAS IT!

I drove home happily...I couldn't wait to hug them! Chris and Beth make such

a nice couple, it's a joy to spend time with them. How on earth did my son find

such a nice girl? ...How on earth does she put up with Christopher's "eccentric"

character?... Oh, yes, what a pair...I guess that's what makes their visits so

much fun!

I couldn't wait to be at home. I couldn't wait to see them

coming up the stairs with Berkus and 2 pizza pies.....